The Lord’s Timing

Often I struggle with understanding what the “Lord’s timing” people give me when I happen to be struggling with the given challenge of the week (day, year, LIFE). What about "my life and outcome being up to me”? How does my agency impact the divine plan for me? What does it mean when well-meaning people say, “It will happen in the Lord’s time”? Is this just one more saccharine cliche` people toss around to temporarily divert someone's (i.e. mine) attention away from a more honest, revealing answer?

I have developed a theory on what the "Lord's timing" is and how it works; and “time” has very little to do with the Lord’s part in the equation. He leaves that up to us. After all, this is all about our own agency and right to choose for ourselves, right? Isn't part of our purpose to learn, grow, and evolve to a higher plane of self? If that is the case, then He would not control us, nor our choices. Rather, He lovingly (and sometimes painfully) has enabled us to choose for ourselves so that we will learn and demonstrate our love or disdain for such a pursuit. So then, HOW can that be the case AND then we still have the concept of His wise timing for us.

                                                                           

Premise 1: There is no time before the Lord. He is eternal in existence and perspective. Time is a mortal aspect of our current reality. We are told in scripture that all things are before Him at once. 

Premise 2: We are each here to evolve and grow. More specifically, we are here to develop and learn to become co-creators. We start with creating our immediate world around ourselves: relationships, occupation, personal attributes, etc. Then, to increase that level of influence and creation/co-creation as we increase in responsibility/influence in our respective works at work, become a spouse, then parent, and so on.

Premise 3: HOW we do this is impacted by our own choices and behaviors. Thus, our choices determine how well, quickly we apply eternal lessons and/or truths to our own level of creation.

So, the Lord’s timing from His part has little to nothing to do with “time” and everything to do with personal growth and preparation. The time factor is actually up to us because it is often dependent upon our ability and willingness to repent, change, and/or develop the requisite attributes for the Lord to bestow the promised blessings and/or gifts.

I challenge each of us to be mindful of this concept on your throughout your life. As you do, I’m confident you will find the “Lord’s timing” is always perfect and also that you will recognize the personal development that coincides with the “timing”.

Conclusion: WE directly impact "the Lord's timing" based on the choices we make, aspects we learn. When we demonstrate we've developed whatever characteristics/traits we need to master/learn, then we progress on our path. This progression then is "the Lord's timing", which in reality is not based on "time" at all. Rather, it is based upon our mastering a particular aspect we likely asked to learn/develop during our “lab time” here on earth.

Tough Talks with Great Kids

Do you have something BIG to tell your kids and not sure how?  Are you unsure how to move forward from something challenging that happened in your past?  You will want to read this non-clinical, short guidebook.  Here are comments from actual readers about Divorce: How to Tell Your Kids.

"Divorce is a devastating loss in the life of a child. Knowing how to connect to the heart of your child and KEEP it during that difficult process is priceless. Thank you Damon for writing a resource that I will be IMMEDIATELY telling others about!" 
- Tiffany Berg Coughran, Author Speaker Chaplain

"This handbook is filled with advice on staging that first critical discussion with your child, including how to monitor body language, manage emotions and more. Martin’s background uniquely qualifies him to assist: he’s not only a professional communicator, Martin is also a child of divorce and a divorced father of three, as well. This step-by-step approach to discussing divorce is personal, applicable, and compassionate – all from one who has been on both sides of that difficult conversation."

Brian Kagel, Author, MS, Counseling Psychology, Southern Methodist University

"I just got done reading your book.  I really liked...Chapter 3: Where do we go from here? The entire book was great! It's a good book for anyone that was affected by divorce.  I connected with your book even though my family divorce happened over 19 years ago."
- Brooke, 33. Pennsylvania.

While I certainly hope you will not be in a position to need a book like this, IF you do, then this is the book to assist you to help your kids through this difficult process.
How to Tell Your Kids

Making the BIG Decision(s)

Man! This is really tough! 

You know how you sometimes open up the fridge or look in the food pantry, because you’re hungry (or at least want a snack), but not really knowing what you want.  As you stare into the vast grocerial abyss, you just are not seeing anything available that looks good to you?

  

Sometimes finding a new romantic wagon to which to hitch one’s proverbial trailer is like that. Now, add to the search criteria all that comes with being more established in your life path and even the logistics that come with having additional life forms with their own respective needs to meet.  There are so many more variables that go into choosing a person with whom I want to spend life enjoying and working through the trials as a 35+ father of 3 than when I was a single, childless bachelor of 25. 

This is a BIG decision.  As we ALL have learned from Guru Covey, it’s best if we “begin with the end in mind.”  So, where do I begin?  How do I keep from missing some key issue?  SURELY, the good Lord will tell me who is my ideal mate and how to find her, right?  I mean, He loves me enough to send the heavenly-warm fuzzy-fairies my way to “confirm all truth”, right?

Weeeellllll…. kinda. 

After four years of being a single dad and making some wiser choices sometimes than at other times, I’ve learned and shifted my “revelation paradigm” on marriage and choosing a prospective spouse. 

Yes! The Big Guy ABSOLUTELY loves you!  In fact, He loves you more than enough.  However, He loves you enough to not necessarily tell you to whom you should hitch your marital wagon.  After earnest prayer and reviewing multiple presentations and guidance from individuals I trust, I’ve (finally) come to the conclusion that, similar to choosing a career, the Lord allows us to make the choice of whom to marry. 

It is then for us to live with the subsequent rewards and trials of the personality, style, interests, and attraction with the person we have chosen.  It’s a choice.  It’s OUR choice!

He showed me long ago that regardless of the paths we choose in life, there will be hills to climb, vistas to see, and rocky, slippery trails where we skin our emotional knees and even break/bruise a few ribs, toes, and clavicles along the way; and yes, even our ever-lovin’ hearts.

There are so many different ways to sort through the “dating-base” of other single spouse-seekers.  How and what we choose to make our criteria for the selection, and yes “elimination” process is wholly up to each person.  It comes down to what and how my criteria mixes and matches with someone else’s.  Here in-lies the challenge of chemistry and logistics of reality.

                                      

Don’t get me wrong.  The Big Guy is definitely still included and part of my “prospective partnering process”.  I invite vision to see, heart to understand, and spirit to discern things I may not otherwise see; or more accurately to which (my hormones and) I am inclined to ignore.  Many times have I experienced seeing and or understanding things I likely would not have realized until much further down an emotionally challenging road.  Not that she was “bad”, just not the fit I hoped.

All too often He has proven that He will always be there to help navigate the treacherous waters of decision, heal from the pain inflicted by others as well as my less-wise decisions, and join in our joys.  Ultimately though, it is up to us what we chose as our palate of pleasure and pain because it will be we who endure the aforementioned results of the choice(s).

To be clear, I’m not saying he won’t confirm your decision.  He might.  However, it’s been my experience as I’ve spoken with literally dozens and dozens of fellow single seekers, that too many of us are awaiting our personal burning bush or conduit from heaven presenting us with our perfected, eternal companion.  

So, I suggest we all 1) Get our criteria in order.  2) Be open to possibilities; 3) dump our previous mis-guided assumptions; 4) and for the sake of your own sanity, ASK SOMEONE OUT Or Say YES to someone you might not have previously thought to be “in your league”!

(Just be sure to pray before you do so you don’t mess up. Ha! ;-) ).

Quick, EASY, & tasty snack ideas for THE game

Quick, EASY, & tasty snack ideas for THE game: 
BBQ or Teriyaki "Li'l Smokies": Stew a pack of "Li'l Smokies" in your favorite BBQ or Teriyaki sauce for at least 5 minutes. (Longer is good too). This is my teenage son's favorite.

Quik-Queso Dip: 2 cans of chili (preferably no beans), 1 8 oz. pkg. of Cream Cheese. Melt the cheese together w/the 2 medium cans of chili. Grab the chips and EAT, baby! (Can also top with cheese).

Guacamole Dip: (FAMILY FAVE) 3 soft/ripe avocados, 1 table spoon seasoning salt, 3 Table spoons of Plain Yogurt (or Sour Cream), 1 table spoon of salt (sea salt is preferred), splash of lime, salsa, 1-2 cloves of pressed garlic. Mix. (We LOVE this).

Add & Dadz Practically Healthy Chocolate-Chip-Cookies

Interested in a rewarding experience for your kids, taste buds, and waist-line?  Well, keep reading then.

For the 1^st time ever, I’m publicly sharing a recipe my daughter and I came up with after hours of development in the test kitchen! (There’s the reward for you and your kids!)  Most kids LOVE spending time in the kitchen and they ALL enjoy time WITH YOU! Putting together this “practically healthy” and yummy recipe gives you quality time together with multiple pay-offs: fun, time, tasty cookies. PLUS, there’s less fat which makes it even more fun.

Kids LOVE seeing their dads in the kitchen. There’s just “something” about dad in an apron that makes it more enjoyable. Do it! Put on the apron! They’ll love it. (I don't have one on in this picture, but I do wear one when baking. I promise.)

Honestly, if you don’t like the look of the recipe we came up with, use another one.  What REALLY matters is that you are spending time in a fun way (with a tasty pay-off) with your kid(s). You’ll be surprised what they share with you (besides the cookies).  Shoot. I’ve even found a super easy, almost ready-made mix for under $2.00/box that my kids love.

Here’s another secret: sometimes you can skip the part about baking them and just eat the dough! YUM!

 

Enjoy the recipe (we really did come up with it all on our own. And it really is good). More importantly, enjoy this fun time with your wonderfully creative kid(s).

Now, go get an apron. The more zany, the better. They love to giggle at you and it's so much fun to hear them, isn't it?

Add-Dad’s practically healthy chocolate chip cookies

        □      1  cup of all purpose flour                                          □      1 cup of whole wheat flour

        □      1 tsp. baking soda                                                        □      ½ tsp. sea salt

        □      1 ¼ cups packed ORGANIC brown sugar (available at Costco)

        □      1 cup (2 sticks) softened, real butter (NOT margarine)

        □      Tbsp. of milk (Almond, Soy, 1%, or none fat recommended)

        □      ½ cup organic granulated sugar                          □      2 tsp. vanilla

        □      2 large eggs (range free, omega 3 enriched, etc.)

        □      2 ½ cups of quick or old-fashioned oats           

        □      1 cup (instead of 2 c.) semi sweet chocolate morsels

        □      1 cup chopped nuts, OPTIONAL (we don’t use them)

                  Preheat oven to 375` (optional: see above)

                  COMBINE flour (be sure to add an extra ¼ cup for elevations above 3500 ft), baking soda, and salt in a                                                          medium size bowl.

                        -  Beat brown sugar, butter, and granulated sugar in large mixer bowl until creamy.

                  -    Beat in eggs, milk, and vanilla extract. Gradually beat in flour mixture.

                  -     Stir in oats, morsels, and nuts; mix well. Spoon rounded tablespoon onto ungreased baking sheets.

                 BAKE: (also optional. Haha) for 10 to 11 minutes for chewy cookies or 12 to 13 minutes for crispy cookies.                                       Cool on baking sheets for 5 minutes; remove to wire racks to cool. (But they are Awesome                                                 warm).

 Add a glass of COLD milk. Enjoy!

See! I told you I wear one when I'm baking! :)

How to Lose a Date in 10 Seconds

As an active single-dad of 3 equally active kids who makes an occasional attempt at actually finding “Ms. Right”, I’ve come to shrug and even shudder at some of what my fellow searchers do as they meet and get to know (or really screen) their prospective parenting partners.

Is THIS what your questions and comments are telling others?

C’MON guys!!! Some of you are really doing some damage to the prospecting pool.  You are killing me (and others) with the way you go about conversing with women! 

Don’t believe me? Well, here are some real-world examples of what some of “us” are saying out there and… and it’s GOT to STOP!

Real Quotes

While talking with a very attractive woman who happens to also be a mother of three, this “winner” asks within the first five minutes of getting to know her: “Oh you have three kids huh? So, are you fixed?”

Seriously? “Fixed”? What are you a veterinarian and she’s a prospective patient?

And just so you don’t think this is from one clueless goof, I’ve been asking around and narrowed the all-too-lengthy list down to these real-life winning examples during first meetings! Hopefully, you will recognize the concerns from the statements below. If not, keep reading!

She said, he said

Ally – 38: I had a guy tell me he was going to make me fall in love with him by the end of the song. Needless to say, we’re both still single.

Marci – 39: I had a guy ask me to dance during which he said, “I asked you because I didn’t think anyone else would and I wanted to give you a chance.” I was stunned.

Jennifer – 36: Sitting next to a guy who was obviously in his 60’s (at a church function, no less). He made this proposition, “I’ve been celibate for seven years and I’ve been looking for a sweet, young thing to help me change that.” Then, he winked at me.

Amy – 35: Was asked on a 1st date, “So, how close are you to menopause?”

Alexandra – 40: I had one guy ask me if I still had functioning ovaries and uterus… on a 1st date.

Shelly -34: I had a guy ask me to dance and then didn’t talk to me. It was a bit awkward so I asked him, “Are you enjoying yourself?” He responded, “I was until you started talking to me. I don’t want to answer any questions. I just want to dance.”

Alex - 37: received this winning compliment, “You’re so beautiful. Why are you single? What’s wrong with your personality?”





Shannon – 36: I had a date lie down in the parking lot and do yoga! Ugh!

Lucky Alexandra also received this beauty of a compliment: “Y’know you’d be really pretty if you lost some weight. Do you plan on doing anything about that?”



And my most…well, I guess my LEAST favorite comment. I’m simply astounded a guy with enough of a brain to formulate words and drive a car would present this question in a brand new social setting, “So, when was the last time you had a pap smear?”

Guys, guys, guys!! What is going on inside those singularly-focused heads of yours? Look, I get it. You guys are nervous… and/or focused on all the aspects that might go wrong… or how it didn’t go so well the  last go ‘round… or there may have been health issues “last time.” And THIS time you want to make sure you avoid that with this new “prospective partner” so that there’s less of the sickness in the “sickness and health” or more of the better in the “for better or worse” clause. But SERIOUSLY! Take a breath, gents!

If I were there with you and available to be your wing-man, I totally would be, but I can’t. So, while that is not possible, let me help where I can and offer this bit of insight and information.

How to Fix it

Dudes, get a clue! It’s not a race. You don’t have to hurry to find out if your prospective partner “qualifies” or not.  Even if you’re an engineer, you can’t just go through your “Checklist of Undesirable Traits”. First, make it about the other person to start with. Get to know a few basics about the person. You gotta build up to it a bit.  And I don’t mean get a medical history… yet!  All things in time, my friend. All in time.

Quit with the judging questions. You need to build a rapport. Create an environment where the other person (and you) feel comfortable sharing.  Remember, this is supposed to be Fun! So, put on your big boy pants and a SMILE, Jack.

If you’re concerned about not wasting time (or money) on a pointless date, there are other means to determine whether or not there’s enough to build on to move forward.  It’s not like they aren’t doing the same thing from their perspective.

Here are some SAFE questions I suggest you ask to find out more about her without coming off like a Nazi SS Inquisitor. (Next time, I’ll even tell you what some of the answers could mean or indicate about their experiences and maybe even their perspective on life).

~ Where’d you grow up?

~ Tell me about your family?
~ Which child are you in the family?
~ What keeps you busy? (besides kids)
~ What kind of music do you like?
~ What’s the last movie you saw or book you read? Did you like it?

The answers to each of these questions will give you valuable information about their interests and personality traits. No, it’s not the final test… But, it’s a whole heckuva lot better than asking when their last trip to the doctor’s office was and why… on a 1st meeting. OY!

Dad Fashion Tips: What NOT to Wear - 1st Grader Edition

It’s funny how differently our kids know us compared to what we know of ourselves.

Back in the Land Before Time, when I was an all-knowing teenager, I used to be a bit of a clothes horse. (I’ll share how and why that changed another time. Boy! Is that a doozy of a story!) Since that time, I’m not sure I’ve purchased a new outfit for myself since the first Bush was in office. Don’t get me wrong, I buy the  kids new clothes at least a couple of times a year, so I’m not opposed to or “afraid” of picking out clothes or even waiting the 15 minutes it takes for my youngest to pick out and try on a single pair of pants.

It’s a good thing I’ve essentially remained the same 32-34” waist (and with perpetually short legs) for the past decade+! I’ve realized that fashions come and go. I’ve always found that “classy conservative” tends to linger longer or return quicker.  I mean, a good pair of jeans and a classic tee can last into the millennium. It’s the same concept when it comes to sporting a classic cut/color suit, solid (subdued) colored dress shirt, and an understated tie. Sure, you may not be the “Hipster” of yesteryear, but you won’t look like a goof when folks look back at those “selfies” on your Facebook page 5 years from now either.

Remember those funky hairstyles that were “all the rage” and how they look now when you accidentally look back through your yearbook? What’s hot and stylish this year becomes “so 5 minutes ago” by Christmas. And if there remains pictoral evidence after the fact . . . oy! Heaven help ya. Especially if your kids get a hold of them!

Kids have a uniquely unintentional—I think—cutting way of getting our adult (and seemingly secure) attention.

I have a few shirts that have lingered in my closet for quite some time—as in, longer than a single presidency, in fact.  I have one Ralph Lauren shirt in particular that is not as conservative, but still rather classic. It has dark blue, green, and white vertical stripes. (It fits in pretty well at a Garth Brooks concert … wait, Brooks and Dunn … wait, George Strait … okay, okay. It’s definitely out of date.)  

Anyway, I picked my 1^st grader from school sporting my “ever-so-stylish” Polo shirt. In her increasingly fashion savvy 6.5 years of worldly experience, she asked in front of the 30 kids in the classroom, “What KIND of shirt is THAT? A clown shirt?”

I was . . . uh . . . well, uh . . . “Well, honey if you think it’s funny and it makes you smile, then I’m happy.” (Whew! Nice cover!)

Keep in mind, I had worn this shirt to work . . . all day! Without a single critical comment. At least, not to my face.

And, needless to say, my “fashionable” Polo has been relegated to the other end of the closet . . . for now!